Bonding & Attachment

In recent weeks I have been thinking a lot about different aspects of adoption and how far we have come over the last two years with the kids.  The start of the new school year has shown us that we now have a pretty solid routine in place as a family and are managing well between the everyday and the special occasions of life.  Don't get me wrong, parenting is still a challenge, but it feels like we're on a roll now, together, as a securely attached family.

When we adopted Rex, he was 28 months old.  He was angry, he was frustrated, he was aggressive.  He was physically strong and emotionally/socially neglected.  Between that and his multiple diagnoses, we have been told by several pediatric and developmental specialists that the way Rex attached to us is a near miracle.

Rex took to Craig right away.  They were buddies from the first day of our pick-up trip.  Rex enjoyed doing everything with his daddy and allowed physical closeness and comforting.  Craig must have spent hundreds of hours with Rex in the baby carrier.  The first night out of the orphanage, Rex fell asleep in Craig's arm, head on his chest.

Snuggled into the baby carrier in Yerevan

With me, attachment was a totally different story.  I was a woman and Rex had had some bad experiences with our particular gender, so he saved his worst behavior for me.  This encompassed anything from simply ignoring me to outright rejecting me to physically hurting me, for months.  When Craig went back to work after we returned from Armenia, Rex threw multiple rages every day, injuring himself and me.  When Craig came home from work each night, I became invisible to Rex.  But by some inexplicable and miraculous grace, I already loved my boy.  The 16 months it took us to bring him home from when we first saw his picture had prepared my heart and nothing that Rex was doing could stop it from overflowing with compassion, affection, and patience for my child.  Yes, I was exhausted and sad and hurt, but nothing could take away my love for Rex.

Rex has been home for 27 months.  Daddy is still his favorite person in the world, but I am now next on his list.  Rex sometimes still struggles to show his true feelings for me, but I know he loves me.  When I ask him for a kiss, I almost always get it.  When he needs to settle down, I am the one who can best help him calm.  At bedtime, Rex snuggles as close as he can to my body and pulls my arms around him, holding on for dear life.  It took a lot of effort from both of us to get to this point and we are still a work in progress, but I have no doubt that Rex knows Craig and me as his people, trusted and loved above all others, sought for comfort, for safety, for help.  We've staked our claims: he is ours and we are his.

Emilia came home at 25 months old.  She was malnourished, sickly, and weak.  She was withdrawn and frightened by almost everything.  The first months with Emilia were so hard.  She would not and could not make her needs known.  She would simply cry and we did not understand why.  Emilia could not sleep through the night and was up with us for several of the wee hours every night.  She refused most foods, but so badly needed the nutrition.  She could only be held and comforted in certain ways.  She was whiny, so very needy, and not very likable to me.   Those first six weeks I just went through the motions of parenting her.  I tried to meet her needs as joyfully as I could, but I did not ooey-gooey love her.

Emilia at about a week home

Things changed when we figured out Emilia's food allergies and her iron deficiency.  Addressing those issues altered not only her physical well-being, but also her mood.  Her true personality was finally able to shine through.  She was sleeping through the night and taking long midday naps.  She was eating all the nutritious purees I was preparing for her.  She started being more alert and less weepy.  Craig and I also felt better, more rested, more competent and confident in learning how to meet our daughter's needs which opened up our hearts for attachment.

It still took another year for Emilia to overcome most of the early trauma she had suffered.  Developmental progress was slow, her trust in us was slow, but her generally happy nature and sweet, lively personality made up for those hard-fought battles. I still remember one day sitting on the couch and Emilia coming voluntarily to be held. Not just held, but cradled like a baby, gazing up at me and settling into me.  A year earlier this would have been impossible for her to enjoy or even allow.  A milestone of attachment.

At almost two years home, Emilia still retains her overly, but not indiscriminately friendly approach to strangers, but I believe she relies most on Craig and me for all of her needs.  Like a typical (developmental) toddler, she isn't happy with us when she does not get her way and she vies for our attention.  She does not like to be away from us for too long and is always happy to see us after a separation.  She trusts us completely, so much so that she is willing to test the boundaries.  Emilia loves to cuddle and gives countless hugs and kisses to us each day.  As for Craig and me, Emilia is our daughter through and through.  Sometimes now we lie awake at night thinking and talking about her upcoming major surgery and making ourselves sick with worry that feels like an iron grip around our hearts.  If that's not the mark of true parenthood, I don't know what would be.

Attachment is an organic and ongoing process.  Attachments have to be nurtured to remain healthy and strong.  Attachment really is work; it involves conscious choices, patience, sometimes a thick skin to keep the insults and injuries in perspective, generosity of spirit, and countless, sustained acts of love, compassion, and affection.  I believe that our fearsome foursome will continue to grow closer and more secure with every passing day as we keep our minds and hearts dedicated to this most important aspect of being a family.

Learning Her Numbers

Emilia has been working so hard on her pre-academic skills and it shows.  As of now, she visually recognizes four numbers.  We are not teaching them in order, but rather following her own interest (the first number she wanted to learn about was eight) as well choosing the numbers easiest for her to pronounce.  We are also working on getting her to attach value to the numbers one and two, but this may take a while.  Emilia can also count to four now while doing things like stacking rings or having her buttons closed.

Next time I will try to post a video of Emilia identifying colors.  She's just learning so much.

Emilia Is Four

Craig and I can hardly believe it, but our baby girl recently turned four years old.  We celebrated with a party with our family and friends.

If you want to know how I plan a party, here are the few notes I made in preparation.  Yes, I have learned to keep it simple.

Emilia’s Birthday Party

Where: shelter at local park adjacent to playground, grill provided

Guests:  Grandpa, Aunt MB & the cousins, The Sch. Family, The T. Family, The S. Family

Theme: Purple and White Polka Dots

Supplies: white, purple and polka dot balloons, purple table cloths, white/purple/polka dot paper plates, white plastic cutlery, white napkins

Kid favors: pretzel rods covered in white chocolate with purple sprinkles

Appetizers: hummus and various chips, fruit kebabs

Food: Bulgarian dishes (kebabcheta, potato plakiya, shopska salat, garash torte, biscuit cake)

Potato Plakiya

Kebabcheta
(They should have been more charred from the grill,
but the grate was too wide, so we had to cook them in a pan.)

Shopska Salat

Garash Torte (GFDF)

Activities: on-site playground, bubbles, balls, tricycle, scooter, play dough, chalk, Rody Max, coloring pages, trampoline, parachute

We couldn't have asked for a more beautiful day for Emilia's party. The weather was perfect to be outdoors and we were so glad to spend some quality time with our family and friends.  One of our guests took all of these great pictures:

Happy birthday, sweet Emilia.  You are a daily joy and a tremendous blessing to all of us.  Your spirit shines brightly with beauty and love.

We love you forever.

Friday Hooky

Since Rex was off school today for a teacher in-service day and the forecast predicted a sunny 82 degrees, Craig and I decided that our family would play hooky and head to the zoo.  I'm so glad we did because we had so much fun.

On our previous visits to the zoo we were not sure if the kids really even noticed the animals.  Today, they did.  First, we stopped by the elephants which happened to be pretty active, including with their BMs. When Emilia pointed and yelled, "Poopy," I knew she was looking directly at the majestic mammals that are my favorite animals, by the way.

Next we visited the giraffes who were inside this morning.  Rex was very interested in them and signed for more three times after we had taken him off the viewing ledge. It was really incredible to see him watch the giraffes move around and realize that they were alive and in 3D.

Both kids were excited to ride the train.

Then we went to feed the lorikeets.

And after a sunny lunch under the open sky, our grand finale was a stop at the carousel which was Rex's absolute favorite part of the day.

The joy on Rex's face makes every challenge encompassed in being his parents so worth it.

And what we affirmed for ourselves today is this: sometimes you just gotta play hooky.

Let's Hear It For The Boys

When it comes to international adoption, 

boys have a decreased chance of being chosen by a family.  

In fact, 

less than 40% of all children adopted internationally are boys.

Now add to that the being older

and maybe this is why these wonderful boys 

are still waiting in Eastern Europe.

I'm not allowed to say for sure, 

but they may or may not be located in Emilia's birth country.

Please consider them and pass their profiles on to others.

For more info on these boys, please contact waitingchild@hopscotchadoptions.org.

Slater was born in January 2002 and is healthy.  He is described as a positive boy who can sometimes be emotional and impulsive, but he usually controls his behavior well.  Slater is very active, extroverted and communicative and enjoys the company of other children.  He is curious, well-intentioned and believes in himself.

Slater is purposeful and well organized.  He can easily concentrate for 20 minutes and up to an hour with encouragement.  He understands most of the academic material taught to him in school, but needs to be more consistently motivated for this work.  He sometimes requires additional time or assistance to master academic tasks.

Slater likes sports and attends a fitness club once a week as well as a folk dance school twice a week.  He also participates in an art studio at school.

Jasper was born in June 2001 and diagnosed with polymalformative syndrome, involving a left club foot and frontal meningoencephalocele, both of which have been surgically corrected, as well as agenesia of the tarsometatarsal joints and two missing fingers on the right hand.  Jasper has a prosthetic leg below the left knee which was provided for him by a Swiss charitable foundation.  Jasper also has bilateral amblyopia, astigmatism of the right eye, and hypermetropia of the left eye.  Despite his multiple diagnoses, Jasper is currently in good health.

Jasper attends school with the help of a resource teacher in a special classroom and has completed fifth grade.  He enjoys going to school and shows interest in his studies.  Jasper has a poor attention span, but can focus longer when a task is enjoyable or appealing.  His memory is good.

Jasper can read and write and has a good vocabulary.  He is described as a calm, observant, and orderly boy with nice manners.   He is positive, motivated, and easily carries a conversation.  He participates in group activities with his peers, but prefers contact with adults because other children often mock his physical differences.  Jasper likes to read books and watch TV.  He wishes to be adopted.

Tobias was born in March 2000. He is healthy and developmentally on target for his age. Tobias attends main stream school with satisfactory results though he needs more motivation to work toward higher achievement. His favorite subject is Russian and he struggles with math. Tobias' imagination is active and well-developed. He enjoys drawing with different techniques, building models, and arranging puzzles and mosaics. He often makes up funny stories to entertain others. Tobias also happily participates in several sports. Tobias has developed hygiene habits, but can sometimes be careless about his appearance. He likes to help at the orphanage and copes well with the rules and routines of his daily life. Tobias is described as a sociable and well-mannered boy who has many friends. He understands his situation and sincerely wishes to be adopted.

Fabian was born in May 2002 and is a bright, inquisitive and positive preteen who is striving to be independent and to distinguish himself as an individual.  He speaks with an extremely rich active vocabulary, reads well and loves to draw.  He does well in school overall, but struggles with math.  Fabian is a hard-working boy who is outstandingly responsible about his orphanage duties and enjoys them.  He regularly helps to clean in the kitchen and is eagerly looking forward to receiving permission to assist with food preparation.

Brothers Walker, Wesley and Wyatt were born in July 2004, March 2002, and December 1999 respectively and, due to their strong emotional bond, need to be adopted together. All three are healthy and typically developing. They came into state care in 2010 and currently live in the same orphanage.

Walker is described as an extroverted, cheerful child who likes music, dancing, children’s books, and sports. He has completed second grade successfully and is responsible in regard to his school work. Walker makes easy contact with his peers and adults and is rarely involved in conflict. He follows rules, respects authority and strives to correct behaviors in himself that are not desirable.

Wesley is an introverted, sensitive, pleasant boy who is kind to others and likes to play sports. He has completed mainstream fifth grade with the help of a resource teacher and is known as a disciplined, responsible student. He respects authority, follows rules, and maintains good relationships with his peers.

Wyatt is a responsible and consistent teenager who can sometimes be critical of himself or others. He has successfully completed sixth grade, but he needs someone to push him toward higher goals and achievement. Wyatt attends training sessions for sport dancing and participates in competitions. He has formed close friendships with select peers, follows rules, and rarely involves himself in conflicts.

Emilia's First Haircut

Last night, Emilia received her first real haircut.  Sure, I had been trimming her bangs at home for the last almost two years, but the rest of her hair had never been cut since she joined our family.  It took me a long time to work up to this haircut, knowing we'd be losing her lovely baby locks, but it had to happen finally.

So, we prepared for the worst and went to a local salon.  I fully expected that Emilia would cry the whole time and fight the stylist, but she sat rather calmly on my lap and listened to me sing her favorite songs.  I could tell she was a bit scared as little shivers went through her body every once in a while, but on the whole, she did wonderfully.

Here she is yesterday before her haircut:

And after:

Can't believe what a big girl our Emilia is already.

News from MOJ

MOJ in Bulgaria released some statistics today.  I do not understand them all, but I think the chart lists the number of adoption procedures approved by the Minister of Justice this year through June 30, 2013 by receiving country.  Here's the break-down:

USA 53 (31%)  - of those 53 procedures, 36 were for identified waiting children with special needs
Italy 39 (23%) - of those 39 procedures, 4 were for identified waiting children with special needs
France 25 (15%) - of those 25 procedures, 3 were for identified waiting children with special needs
Spain 25 (15%)
Germany 11 (11.6)
Netherlands 7 (7.4%)
Sweden 3 (3.2%) of those 3 procedures, 2 were for identified waiting children with special needs
Canada 2 (2.1%)
Cyprus 2 (2.1%)
Greece 1 (1.1%)
Norway 1 (1.1%)
Ireland 1 (1.1%)
Switzerland 1 (1.1)

There were a total of 171 approved adoption procedures for a combined 200 children.  Of those procedures 45 were adoptions of 72 identified waiting children with special needs.  This means that 36% of all children approved for finalization of international adoption from Bulgaria in the first six months of this year were waiting children.