My lovies have outgrown their first pairs of shoes, the ones they wore out of their orphanages the last time they passed through those doors. Rex outgrew his right around Christmas and Emilia hers last month.
I think I will save these shoes for them as they touched their native soil and show just how small their feet were when we brought them home.
I know I am quite behind, but Saturday marked fifteen weeks home for Emilia. I am not sure what’s new to report with her. She continues to be a cuddle bug when she has access to mama or daddy and she is also a thrill-seeker. You can throw her as high up in the air as possible and she loves it. She enjoys swinging, whether it’s by her arms or in an actual swing. She likes to climb and bounce.
Emilia’s receptive language seems to be expanding. She now almost always responds to us calling her name and she will come if told. Just today, I was looking at a book with her and telling her all about tigers and she began imitating the t-sound very consistently. Come one, language, come on, I know Emilia can do it, she is just holding off for some reason.
This is one of my favorite Emilia faces.
She makes it when she is surprised, sees something that excites her, or when told no.
Emilia had some bloodwork done last week and her iron levels have increased enough that she needs to take her iron supplement only through the end of March and then is done with it. Her thyroid function has also improved though it is still a bit elevated. We will re-test for it in the summer.
Emilia sleeps quite well through the nights now all by herself in the kids’ room. We may have the occasional night of hysterical laughter for an hour or hear some whimpers or leg-kicking through the wall, but most nights, there’s no need for us to get up and check on her. Emilia continues to eat well and explore gritty foods. She can now eat Arborio rice cooked in coconut milk and mixed with fruit puree with no problem. I think I will try soft orzo next. Emilia refuses anything from a fork or fingerfood still. I attempted to give her a very soaked piece of pancake yesterday and she acted like I was trying to kill her. It might be a long while before real solids are part of her diet.
Overall, Emilia is doing great. I think she gets a little more secure and comfortable here with every passing day. And I just can’t wait to see what spring has in store for her.
We had a wonderfully relaxing evening as a family at the lodge with none of the responsibilities that sometimes take over at home. After dinner we just played and then cuddled on the king bed until the kids fell peacefully asleep.
I really cannot believe my little boy is three. He is so amazing, growing and learning at his own pace in his own style all the time. He brings such joy to our lives and we could not be more grateful to be the parents of this handsome toddler.
Happy birthday, son. We love you beyond measure.Thursday marked thirty-one weeks out of the orphanage and twenty-nine weeks home for Rex.
The last two weeks have been pretty quiet. Rex’s focus has been on communication. He has been signing eat for months and now has added music and swing to his repertoire in quick succession. He uses both signs pretty accurately, independently and reliably. Rex is also imitating the signs for on, shoes, and tickle though he still isn’t always sure when they’re appropriately used. In addition, we are hearing some spontaneous verbalizations for ball and bubble. All of Rex’s therapists are very excited about this development as are we. Rex is now able to respond correctly to some short commands, such as “go get…”, “come here”, and “let’s go.” When we met with a communication/speech expert this week to discuss and test some communication devices for Rex, she noted that Rex has very good receptive language - finally someone who agrees with me on that matter.
In other developmental areas, Rex has been working on puzzles. He can take big pieces out and also put them back in though he sometimes needs a little help figuring out where each piece should go. He very easily locates hidden objects and when applying the right focus, can even find an object hidden under one of two cups with the cups being switched around. I hope he never runs into a hustler on the street doing that game.
It seems that we have merged into a new stage of behavior with Rex as of late. When he was newly adopted, many of his poor behaviors like raging and hitting himself were related to his inability to process sensory input and his lack of communication skills. Now that he has made so much progress in both areas, his tantrums are more like those of a typical toddler though probably a bit more intense. He is trying to assert his autonomy and get his way, so Craig and I are entering the territory of having to set firm and consistent boundaries for our little boy. He doesn’t like it one bit, but that’s part of love, too.
Rex’s scab from the new, accident-induced lip stitches finally fell off and the repair looks very good. His plastic surgeon said that we should know in about a year how much of a scar will remain, if any. He also mentioned that Rex’s initial cleft lip repair in Armenia was done in a very outdated manner, so it will be a surgical challenge when the time comes for his lip and nose revision. But I’ll worry about that later.
Not much else new, so I’ll leave you with a photo of my two favorite guys:
Emilia and I put on our martinitzi this morning and have been showing them off all day:
Chestita Baba Marta, everyone!
Maria asked: What are the best and worst parts about being a new mother? I am honestly more interested in the worst parts side of it because I feel like everyone is always very open about the best parts but is too ashamed to ever mention any bad aspects of motherhood.
Since you really want to know about the worst parts and because my blog often focuses on the best parts, I will try to be honest about the things that have been difficult for me in my seven months of motherhood.
A messy house. Seriously, I hate my messy house, but I am currently fighting a losing battle against two toddlers. I am a very organized and clean person by nature and looking around our home these days makes me cringe sometimes. There are handprints of an unidentified nature on my living room wall right now, my carpet is disgusting, and I just spent two days re-emerging a countertop in the kitchen that had been piled sky-high with stuff. Of course, I expected to have to do more laundry and more cooking etc. when we added two kids and I am not complaining a bit about those things, but I was not prepared for how crazy it would make me feel to have toys everywhere all day long and to constantly step/touch on weird sticky spots on all surfaces and to find chocolate spit-up in my throw-pillows. I know there are moms who manage to keep a super clean home with shiny kids in it, but that’s just not me right now. No more pretenses: if you come to visit me, you’re in the war zone, fend for yourself.
The lack of time for myself. Before I had kids I had some hobbies. I was an avid reader, I did a variety of crafts, I loved to decorate and garden. Now I am sad to admit that most of my reading occurs in the bathroom and it’s usually just magazine snippets. I haven’t done any crafts, we didn’t even have a Christmas tree last year, and it remains to be seen what happens to gardening. I felt hopeful one day and bought seeds for this season. These hobbies were relaxing to me, too, and there isn’t much relaxing to be had these days. Reading is what I miss most of all, but I am glad that I find time here and there to keep up my love of writing through this blog.
Dealing with the health care industry. I knew when we adopted our children that they came with some special needs, but I definitely had no idea how severe some of them would be. I spend a good portion of my days managing the kids’ healthcare and it’s like a part time job… a frustrating one. Scheduling appointments with rude staff, dealing with billing departments that think I have nothing better to do than call again in a few days, waiting for months to get results and approvals, faxing copies of documents to dozens of entities… I could go on. The bright side is is that motherhood for most moms does not include this aspect or at least not to this extent. Count your blessings.
Unpredictability and slowness. I used to be an extremely efficient, well-organized, planning person. Now with kids, my efficiency is quite decreased because everything takes three times as long. I might just be getting started on cleaning a toilet when I hear Rex removing yet another heating vent cover which means the vent itself might be made to swallow anything in his reach. So, I have to drop the toilet brush and go check. By the time the vent crisis is averted, I have forgotten that I’d started to clean a toilet and won’t remember until the next time I set foot into the bathroom again at which point I will probably finish the job. Efficiency equals failsauce in this case, as our friends would say. As for unpredictability, I think I am doing pretty well giving up my planning ways. I still try to have a general idea of what happens from week to week and I attempt to plan ahead for family gatherings etc., but I always know that something might go wrong with the kids and that whatever I had on the schedule may have to be adjusted or scrapped entirely. I thank those friends and family members who have been understanding about unpredictability and slowness.
Mommy brain. I swear I am losing brain function as a mother. My synapses are shooting slower or maybe not at all. It takes me longer to add up the price of two boxes of cereal or divide a recipe in half than ever before. My mind feels so sluggish sometimes, I can’t stand it. I have literally paused in front of Craig, vigorously scratching my head (read desperately pulling up on the roots of my hair) trying to remember the second half of the sentence I was just saying to him. I used to be sharp, but mommy brain is doing me in.
Patience. I don’t have much of it. Never did, but it’s possible that some day I will because my kids are stretching my patience to the max. Feeding Emilia a tiny bowl of gritty food can take 30 minutes and Rex may have been told a dozen times to leave the bathroom drawers alone and still decide to rip them all out (this is why we currently don’t have bathroom drawers). There have been times when I have just had to walk away for a few minutes in order to not wring my kids’ necks. There have been days where I have simply surrendered to the chaos by lying down on the carpet and letting the kids have their way with me and the rest of our home. Finding patience, gaining patience, learning patience… it’s been a huge challenge.
No thanks. This endless work of mothering has no thanks at this time. I do and do and do… and it simply is. No one knows or notices the struggles or perils of my day. There’s no applause and no accolades. The reward is in the journey itself and in the two little people in progress… or at least so I am told.
As for the best parts of motherhood, just look at my kids. Need I say more? They are joyous, they are active, they challenge me, they teach me, they are survivors. It brings tears to my eyes when Craig walks into the door at night and both my little ones run into his arms, one proclaiming, “dada, dada, dada” loudly. I love watching them learn and I take pride in their accomplishments. I am happy to see them grow. I love caressing their soft chubby cheeks and tousling their hair. Their laughter is pure bliss, their smiles melt my heart, and I feel peace when I hear their smooth, deep breaths at night. Rex and Emilia are simply amazing little people entrusted to me as their mother. I would not want them under anyone’s wing but mine.
Do I enjoy every single minute of motherhood as is so often the advice from others? No, I don’t, but I do cherish the moments that make it all so very worth it. Maybe I will have a t-shirt made for myself: Motherhood – It’s Complicated!
Amanda asked: Hi Viviane, I am in the process of adopting and was interested in knowing about the therapies your son is receiving. How did you get the referrals? Is it through early intervention programs or private? If private, does your insurance cover any costs? We want the best for our child, but know that therapy is expensive and I don't know how we could swing it without insurance!
This is a good question and I should start answering it by saying that I am thankful every day for the great medical insurance we have through my husband’s employer. When we adopted Rex, we did not anticipate that he would have permanent disabilities and could not have imagined how incredibly important this fantastic health insurance would become to our family.
At the moment Rex is receiving two kinds of private therapy: OT through our local children’s hospital and ABA in-home through a private team I have assembled. Our therapy co-pay for a maximum of 60 visits annually at in-network providers is $15 each and the rest is covered by insurance. We have been paying for the ABA out of pocket since October (around $1000/month), but fortunately when Rex turns three, he will qualify for a large special needs scholarship in our state which will cover his ABA therapy costs through the summer and then pay for the majority of his special needs preschool fees in the 2012-13 school year.
Rex also received referrals for PT and ST. These referrals (OT, PT, ST) were made by our local International Adoption Clinic, but you could also get them from your pediatrician or other medical specialists. We tried ST for a while, private through our children’s hospital, but we didn’t feel that it was benefitting Rex yet and we simply cannot squeeze PT into our family schedule right now. When Rex does start preschool, he will have weekly OT, PT, and ST there.
As soon as Rex came home, we signed him up for early intervention in our state. They do not provide therapy, but do connect families to local resources, monitor the child’s progress, and bring in therapists from time to time to advise and teach the parents. The program has been most valuable to me in terms of helping me figure out some long term options. For example, we have signed Rex up for all available state waivers which means we have joined long wait lists to receive cash and other assistance. It will be years before Rex’s number is up, but when Rex is much older and his care might be more complicated, we will have those waivers in place and will be able to access them. Early intervention has also connected me with a Family Support Program which is income based. It offers families in our state funds to pay for things like respite care, therapy equipment for the home, prescribed special diets, etc. Through this program I am able to have a few hours of respite a week and have also purchased some therapy items, like a cuddle swing, for Rex to use at home.
With Rex’s impending third birthday, he is aging out of our state’s early intervention program. Therefore, with our consent, his case has been transferred into our local school district where an IEP has been completed for him. This IEP specifies goals and objectives for Rex for the next year. It also guarantees Rex access to our district’s preschool and PT, OT, and ST provided for free by the district based on their evaluation of his needs. However, we are not going to use these services from our district. Instead, we are opting for the special needs scholarship to send Rex to a private, specialized preschool. The scholarship money comes out of our district’s budget and paying it absolves them of any responsibility for Rex’s education beyond the annual writing of the IEP and the quarterly progress monitoring.
The best thing to do is to learn as much as you can about your local options before your child comes home. Have some discussions with doctors or therapists you might know, talk to parents who have kiddos with special needs, explore daycare options, see what your local school district offers and what alternatives there are. Find out coverage for services from your health insurance. Google and call and don’t feel stupid to ask a lot of questions.
