One Year Home - July 28, 2012

Letter to My 2008 Self on the First Anniversary of Rex’s Homecoming

Dear Viviane,

I know that for a few years you have been thinking about having children and the discussion has been ongoing with Craig as well.  Fortunately, both of you are certain that your lives will be happy and full with or without little ones added into the mix.  But a decision has to be made and soon because you don’t see yourself as an older mother.  To be honest, you don’t see yourself as a mother at all.  You think you are far too selfish.  You like to sleep, you like it quiet, you like being alone. And you want things to be just so: tidy, clean, tasty, healthy, perfect.  You hate surprises and are a Type A long-term, detail-oriented planner.  You are impatient and have high standards for yourself and those around you.  You are not mother material in your own mind.

But let me tell you something: you have a huge heart, you have boundless love, and you have incredible strength.  Trust me, I’m nearly always right.  You will see the photo of a little boy thousands of miles away and he will be yours from that very second.  The process of bringing him home will take you to your breaking point and having him home will stretch you far and wide beyond your wildest imagination.  This boy will not be healthy or typical.  On the contrary, he will have needs so great that you will feel like your life has become a scary twilight zone, a place where you search for something in the dark without a flashlight.  You will cry more tears in those first months of motherhood than you’ve ever cried before.  You will work harder and on more levels than you believe you can handle.  You will sleep less than you did in college and feel overwhelmed, exhausted, and petrified much of the time.  You will learn to let it go, you will learn to stay in the moment, you will learn to celebrate the little things.  You will learn to take it one day at a time, sometimes one hour.  You will learn it hard and fast.

Call yourself crazy, but guess what?  You’re also going to have a little girl.  She will be a virtual twin to your son and come home to you very soon after his arrival.  This child is more stubborn than you and I know you consider yourself the world’s most stubborn woman.  Brace yourself, you have met your match.

Do you realize your assets as your contemplate this decision?  You have an idea now that you have good instincts about people and life in general.  You do. Trust them.  You will find yourself in many new and unexpected situations.  Listen to your gut.  Use your brain.  Follow your heart.  You will never have all the answers, but you will always feel confident in your decisions.  No need to encourage this independent, defiant streak in you, but keep doing your own thing and don’t put too much stock by what others might say.  Cherish your husband.  There’s no better man and no better father-to-be. Count on your family and friends because they will be there for you if you ask.  Oh yes, you will have to learn to ask for help.  It will drive you crazy, but that’s part of the plan.  You will make new friends, too, around the world, other adoptive mothers and their families.  They will be dear to you and a source of support you don’t know you will have.  You will become an adoption resource and help many on their journeys to becoming adoptive families.

If I told you now that your children will bring out the very best in you, I know you wouldn’t believe it.  If I told you now their list of diagnoses, I know you would not consider adopting them.  If I told you now how your heart will burst with love and pride over these little ones, you would think it impossible.  If I told you now that you are made to be their mother, you would be filled with doubt.  If I told you now that you will rise to every challenge, you would not consider yourself able.

Have faith!  Nothing will be as you dreamed or imagined.  Everything will change.  You will be different, but at the core you already have everything you need: love, determination, knowledge, strength, responsibility, firm ethics, courage, and generosity.  You will be blessed.  You will be filled with happiness.  You will be grateful.  You will be a good mother.

Love from 2012,

Me