How We Met Big Sister

Our first meeting with Big Sister was on Monday afternoon, May 5.  We had been told we would not be able to make it to the orphanage that day, so we were surprised when the opportunity arose unexpectedly.  Since this would be a short visit, we decided to take Rex, Emilia and Ms. Rie along, too.

When we got to the orphanage, the director was just leaving for the day and said she would spend time with us on Tuesday.  We sent Ms Rie and the kids out to the playground and were ushered into the doctor's office to wait for Sis to come.  Minutes passed and then we heard her in the hallway which was otherwise quiet.  Before she entered the room, I dropped onto my knees to the floor and tears started flowing.  I know some agencies (not ours) tell their clients to avoid crying around a prospective adoptive child, but I disagree.  This moment was real and my tears were real and I did not want to hide from Big Sis what I was feeling.  Plus, there was nothing prospective about the situation in our minds.  In an incredible turn of events, when Big Sis saw me there on the floor after having walked through the door, she immediately came over and placed her arms around me.  We held each other for a long time and then I released her to meet Craig.  She was more cautious with him, but with some encouragement from her caretaker, shook his hand and smiled.  We spent about 15 minutes with Big Sister in the doctor's office.  We made small talk and she sang us two songs.  Then we joined Rex and Emilia on the playground, so they could meet their new sister.  Emilia and Big Sis played bubbles together while Rex enjoyed swinging.  We didn't stay long that day as it was getting late and we still had to drive back to our apartment, but we promised Big Sis we would return the next morning.  On our way out of the orphanage, one of her caretakers caught up with us and said, "She wants me to tell you that Papa should come without a beard tomorrow because the beard scares her."

When we arrived on Tuesday morning, Big Sis met us at the playground.  She came right up to us, raised her hand, and said, "High five" (yes, in English - we had taught her the day before).  She then asked us why we did not bring her sister and brother with us that day, so we explained that we wanted to spend some special time with just her.

Her hair was arranged beautifully by a very talented caretaker.

Big Sister wanted to blow bubbles (another English word she picked up and started using right away) and also enjoyed blowing up balloons for balloon animals.  As many other children and caretakers were outside at the time, she took me by the hand and paraded me around.  She told everyone, "My mother has come."  Big Sis also started getting really interested in our camera and was taking lots of photos, not just that day, but for the rest of the week.  Once she figured it out, she actually took many good ones, including a great selfie.  Here's one of her early attempts that I really like:

Big Sis showed us her personal photo album with pictures from her life and asked us to print her some of the photos from our time together.  We gladly obliged and after her lunch and nap time brought her a small stack of photos which she promptly added to her album.  She studied all of them intently.  When she came to the one of me crying the previous day, she asked, "You were crying.  Why were you crying?"  "I was happy to meet you."  She smiled.  Then Big Sister was looking at the pictures of her life at the orphanage, flipping and flipping through them repeatedly.  Our translator asked her what she was looking for and she answered, "I am looking for Mama and Papa."

We spent the afternoon doing some coloring and stickers with Big Sister as well as more bubbles and balloons.  At one point she asked us, "Did you get a lunch?"  "Yes, we did."  "Well, your lunch took too long.  I was waiting for you."  Later we asked her, "Did you get a nap?"  "No, I could not.  I was waiting for you."

The orphanage director also spent some time with us on Tuesday, explaining Big Sis's medical diagnosis and asking what kind of care she would be receiving in the US. She told us that Big Sis is "the flower of the orphanage" and loved by all and deserves the very best of everything to which I replied, "Every child does."  The director asked about our life and then showed me many pictures of the kids' life at the orphanage which includes elaborate birthday and holiday celebrations, field trips to the zoo and parks, train rides, eating out at restaurants, etc.  She also explained that Big Sister has classes every morning and would not be permitted to miss them on Wednesday and Thursday, so we could only visit her in the afternoons.

On Wednesday, it was a bit chilly due to some rain, so we spent our visit in the doctor's office.  Big Sis was rummaging through my bag and found my adoption notebook that I have used to jot down thoughts, questions, and memories during all of our adoption trips.  She asked me to teach her letters, so I started with M-A-M-A, but somehow this didn't look familiar to her so she began scribbling her own minuscule creations into the lines.  When asked what she was writing, she responded, "I will tell you when I am finished."  And so she did a few minutes later, "I wrote [insert her name here] loves Mama and Papa."

Can you believe that among the only 10% of left-handed people in the whole world's population, we found ourselves another one?  If Emilia decides to go solidly lefty, Rex and I will be outnumbered soon.

On Wednesday, Big Sister began asking some questions about us and our life.  She wanted to know what we do all day and if she would have a bed with a pillow and a blanket.  She got excited when I told her that sometimes we have icecream for dessert before bed.  Shortly before this conversation  I had asked Big Sister if she likes strawberries (yes) and icecream (yes - any kind). I promised to bring her some before our week with her was over.

Thursday was, once again, a day with only an afternoon visit as Big Sis was not permitted to miss her morning classes.  She is being prepared to start first grade now and if she were not being adopted, would transfer to a different orphanage in September to begin formal schooling.

When we arrived on Thursday with a bowl of fresh strawberries, Big Sister tasted one and then asked us, "And where's my icecream?"  She really doesn't miss a thing.  We were in the doctor's office again that afternoon due to some cooler weather and spent our time with the fun stuff from my bag.  Balloons and bubbles and scribbling in the notebook were favorite activities.  Big Sister also really likes the little purse and its girly contents that we gave her the previous day.  She carried that purse around all week, putting her bracelets off and on, looking at herself in the compact mirror, etc.  She also found the sunscreen in my bag and started putting it on her hands and face, then on mine and finally on Craig's which was wonderful for him. I asked her if she was still scared of daddy's beard and she said, "No, that's okay now."  Speaking of okay, this is another word she started using in English during our visit.  On Thursday she told us that she taught to word okay to all of her group mates and encouraged them to adopt it into their vocabulary.

The doctor was in her office with us for part of this visit and asked Big Sis what she wants to be when she grows up and she answered, "A mother."

Friday was our last day with Big Sister and we were permitted a morning and afternoon visit.  We spent most of the morning going over a book we had made for her.  The book explains how we found her and how the adoption process unfolds.  It has photos of us and of her and even some photos of all of us together.  The text in the book is in English and Sis' native language.  She looked and looked through the pages and got very quiet.  It was obvious she was processing and understanding.  At one point she looked at a photo of herself and declared, "I am very pretty."  Later she asked us, "But you are coming this afternoon?"  "Yes, but it will be our last visit and then we won't see each other for a long time.  After your birthday when fall starts, we will be back to bring you home to America."  We had left two pages in the book blank and encouraged Big Sis to decorate them as she wished.  As part of that effort, she dictated a sentence to our translator to be written into the book.  What did it say?  "Dear Mother and Father, I will miss you."

When we returned to the orphanage for our last visit on Friday afternoon, we made good on our promise of icecream.  Not only did Big Sis get some, there was enough to share with the 14 other children in her group.  It was raining hard that afternoon as if the weather could sense our emotions and we spent our time in a drab visiting room.  Big Sis ate her icecream and then we worked on some sticker pictures.  She decided to save the last sheet of stickers to do with her best friend later.  Again, Big Sis applied sunscreen to our faces and was very happy when I presented her with her own bottle of hand lotion and two tissue packs to add to her little purse.  She said she would share some of the lotion with her best friend as she also likes to keep her hands nice and soft.

The minutes of that last meeting were ticking away and I think all three of us had heavy hearts. Big Sis finally took the situation into her own hands by packing up her things and declaring she was ready to return to her group room.  Once there, she walked in to put up her stuff and Craig and I stood in the door crying.  Big Sis must have come back to give us hugs and kisses at least half a dozen times. She clearly was trying to comfort us, wiping away our tears, patting our backs, stroking my hair, etc.  I knew it was time for me to be the grown-up, so I told Big Sis that she should go play with her best friend now and do the sticker pages she had saved.  So, as Big Sis ran off into her room, Craig and I quickly exited the hallway.

One of the last things we saw when leaving the orphanage were dozens of disposable diapers that had been washed, hanging up to dry.  This final image made me even sadder, thinking of the years Big Sis has spent at this place and the conditions that have been her experience thus far.  We do know that she is well loved and happy, so we have some peace of mind, but we certainly cannot wait for the day that she marches out of those metal gates and into a new life.